The Monster Inside Me

There is a monster inside me

It rarely comes out

But when it comes

out of anger 

I disappear

it is not me

I am not there

He is so ugly and irrational

I never know what is going to happen

But is never good

He is violent

I always push him inside

I don not let him manifest

So sometimes he forces his way out

I know he wants to stop my suffering

Because I am not very good dealing with people

But I hate his ways

He is so raw

And he never tells me what he is going to do

It is scary

I wish I could suffocate him inside me

like I do with my feelings

The Merciless Reality

Isolating myself in my own loneliness
Fearing the impact that everything that surrounds me has in me
I regret this miserable reality
It's inexplicable the pain "she" inflicts in me
It's inevitable the pain that everything touches me

Are you really living?

There are people that live dead... of so much pain

There are people that live sleeping.. in their ignorance

The human race

The human race...

that evil race that 

kill each other

that steal from each other

that are always competing with each other

always trying to change and dominate each other

slaves of their jobs and consumerism

polluting and destroying nature

The majority are made of lies.. we never get to really know them


many capable of hurting and raping defenseless babies and children..many times their own..

those and others babies and children, that in the big majority, will became ugly adults...


...Who wants to live in a world like this?

Everything floats in a sea of thoughts...

The Lawyer

The microphone goes round and round to the sound of a naughty music, looking to give voice to someone... the silence ate everybody. 
Did I hear calling the lawyer?
Rest,
peace,
madness,
finally...

The Story

Somewhere in the way, a tramp bird tells my story. A very soft ballad with a monstrous content...

Change of plans

I am, now, alone, hearing the screams of my emptiness
Everything planned, I buried together with my last hopes.
I turned joys into sadness, just to fully live and feel this current despair..









25/11/96 

Time

Time is everything and nothing. Time changes everything and nothing.

...

The earth trembled! Everybody screamed! 
The earth trembled! Everybody screamed! 
The earth trembled! Everybody screamed! 
Something inside me, fell.. and I became deaf.

The Discovery

I saw the rotten soul of a monster
I fear what can happen to me,
Its inside is made of ashes
as everything there burned
Oh! It's just my reflection in the mirror!

Eternal Slave

I am slave of this inner prison

The Walk

Was that you, Confusion, that touched me when turning the corner?

Madness just bumped into me. She was with Monotony. How weird is that?

If you want, I can introduce you Sadness, Melancholia, Anguish and the others, whose names I forgot.

Come with us. I don't despise nobody, even less somebody so loyal, like you. 

First Love

Mother, I arrived!
I came running through the streets of despair
straightly home,
to my room, 
to get drunk of degrading thoughts
and drown myself in its vomits
Sleep, where are you?!
You are never there, when I need you the most
Yes, mother. It was that boy of the small beard that made me crawl here..

Meaning of Life

How many times I lost myself in it?
just to briefly find it again in the illusion of love

How many times I touched insanity, looking for it?

Why I couldn't just have the same meaning of life as other people: studying, working, buying stuff, marrying, children, vacations, money, success, recognition, beauty, power..approval..

How many times I blamed myself for not understanding it..

How many times I wanted to leave..

to surrender to death..

I thought that maybe time would give me an answer.
I had nothing to lose
But it just got worst

Time took me my naivety..
And everything became suddenly even more unbearable.. 

Seeing everything raw without filters of optimist
Just made realise that I couldn't never understand the meaning of life.. cause there's is none..at least in this world, that humans created to live in..

The Dream

Day after day
I dream of this tomorrow
Hard times disguised of freedom
shouts us the harsh reality
I run in directions of craziness
only hope accompanies us
We already scheduled our destiny
We are going to get tanned in the sun with feet pain
We are going to overcome our limits
We are going to eat bread with margarine
Running from monotony, we are going to grow wings and fly!
very high!
So high that those old knives won't steal our mental health
Do you understand..I want to die happy!
I want to be me to choose and her and her!
I want to get tired of the meaning of living with a smile in my lips and pennies in my hands
I want to feel how death pushes me, but holding your hands
I want to be able to say
I flew! I flew! I flew!
I drunk from that beer!
I had cigarettes in the bed

The Wish

I wish I had just one love

Everything left were just scars

from frogs that never turned into princes

That took pieces of me... pieces of hope...pieces of my naivety.. pieces of my youth.. of my dreams

So many keys were given to me, but none never opened any lock...

There were just empty promises for hearts, that I never received

Puzzles that I could never solve...

There were just illusions that turned into disillusions..


I would trade all these memories just for one love that hadn't given up on me

That would have stayed even when the euphoria of passion was gone

That would have stayed fighting beside me the battles of this life, that has so much of beauty as unfair

That would have stayed even when we met each other's monsters

That would had realized that love can never be perfect, cause, we, humans aren't

The Bubble

All my life I fought to get out of my bubble

I was a child, that became taller and gained some more freedom

Eager to discover, to feel, to learn 

to interact, to experience

So, I started to brake the walls built by my shyness.. and I slowly started to get out...

Many times the world made me cry..

But many others, laughed with me!

There were moments we fell in love..but there were no more than just brief moments of enchantment

I always felt that me and the others were living in different realities..

The communication was always so confusing .. I couldn't never understand what they were saying.. like there was some kind of code!

Out here, the meaning of the words weren't the same of my school's dictionary.. cause their actions rarely matched their words

And people were always expecting something from me..but nobody would tell me what.. I had to guess..it was like some sort of game.. that nobody gave me the instructions and I didn't know how to play..


I was just used to play the pretend with my dolls...

              

Today, I would have preferred to never left my bubble.. the world outside is too weird...

Waiting

Future poorly planned 
The path is cloudy and hopeful
Joys and sadness mutually destroying themselves
Frustrated attempts to achieve the unachievable
Insignificant suffocated disappointments

Weeping night that wet us
Rented confusion that attract us
We are preparing ourselves for the infernal monotony
Missed time of departure

We are always unwelcomed and severely censured
Just for wanting to be free and wander in the nights
desperately looking for fake madness
Screams from all directions approach us
But they don't affect us, maybe they never did
Because we can't understand them

Non-conformism

Hangs in the air, 

tears of whom had laughed

Memories are drowned, whole pasts

Just to live the current sadness

that just offers dirty exits

All of them

They condemn us to auto- destruct ourselves

If weak we are

If pessimists we be

And all of this for just trying to understand it

They want us ignorants

Silencing us with courage

SHIT! I CAN STILL SHOUT LOUD!