The Lawyer

The microphone goes round and round to the sound of a naughty music, looking to give voice to someone... the silence ate everybody. 
Did I hear calling the lawyer?
Rest,
peace,
madness,
finally...

The Story

Somewhere in the way, a tramp bird tells my story. A very soft ballad with a monstrous content...

Change of plans

I am, now, alone, hearing the screams of my emptiness
Everything planned, I buried together with my last hopes.
I turned joys into sadness, just to fully live and feel this current despair..









25/11/96 

Time

Time is everything and nothing. Time changes everything and nothing.

...

The earth trembled! Everybody screamed! 
The earth trembled! Everybody screamed! 
The earth trembled! Everybody screamed! 
Something inside me, fell.. and I became deaf.

The Discovery

I saw the rotten soul of a monster
I fear what can happen to me,
Its inside is made of ashes
as everything there burned
Oh! It's just my reflection in the mirror!

Eternal Slave

I am slave of this inner prison

The Walk

Was that you, Confusion, that touched me when turning the corner?

Madness just bumped into me. She was with Monotony. How weird is that?

If you want, I can introduce you Sadness, Melancholia, Anguish and the others, whose names I forgot.

Come with us. I don't despise nobody, even less somebody so loyal, like you. 

First Love

Mother, I arrived!
I came running through the streets of despair
straightly home,
to my room, 
to get drunk of degrading thoughts
and drown myself in its vomits
Sleep, where are you?!
You are never there, when I need you the most
Yes, mother. It was that boy of the small beard that made me crawl here..

What is Happiness?

The sound of children playing in the park

Watching the sunset

Floating in the sea

Eating something delicious

Kisses and hugs

Helping others

Good memories

To romantically love and being loved

Spending a rainy Sunday in bed

Discovering new places

Receiving a massage

Hearing the singing of the birds

Having a drink with a friend

Laughing until my sides hurt

Travelling through a book 

Sleeping on freshly washed sheets

Alone time

Watching a good film

Listening a favourite song and singing along

Waking up with kisses

Photographing the sky

Walks in the nature

Overcoming obstacles

Expressing myself through writing

Experiencing 

Learning

Feeling that I don't need nothing else

The smile of my son 

Believing that there's goodness inside everybody

This is my happiness 

Meaning of Life

How many times I lost myself in it?
just to briefly find it again in the illusion of love

How many times I touched insanity, looking for it?

Why I couldn't just have the same meaning of life as other people: studying, working, buying stuff, marrying, children, vacations, money, success, recognition, beauty, power..approval..

How many times I blamed myself for not understanding it..

How many times I wanted to leave..

to surrender to death..

I thought that maybe time would give me an answer.
I had nothing to lose
But it just got worst

Time took me my naivety..
And everything became suddenly even more unbearable.. 

Seeing everything raw without filters of optimist
Just made realise that I couldn't never understand the meaning of life.. cause there's is none..al least in this world, that humans created to live in..

The Dream

Day by day
I dream of this tomorrow
Hard times disguises of freedom
and shouts us the harsh reality
I run in directions of craziness
only hope accompanies us
We already scheduled our destiny
We are going to get tanned in the sun with feet pain
We are going to overcome our limits
We are going to eat bread with margarine
Running from monotony, we are going to grow wings and fly!
very high!
So high that those old knives will not take from us our mental sanity
Do you understand..I want to die happy!
I want to be me to choose and her and her!
I want to get tired of the meaning of living with a smile in my lips and pennies in my hands
I want to feel how death pushes me but holding your hands
I want to be able to say
I flew! I flew! I flew!
I drunk from that beer!
I had cigarettes in the bed

The day you saved me

I was lost in this society's labyrinth

Alone, among monsters and witches

...and you found me

Without you, my days would be a torture

Without your love, my heart would had turned into cold ice

You keep me breathing 

Because of you I let my heart beat

The day your light leave my life, I will succumb to the darkness in me 


Thank you for making me feel normal

Thank you for keeping me humane

The Wish

I wish I had had just one love

Everything left were just scars

of that frogs that never turned into princes

That took pieces of me.. pieces of my body.. pieces of hope...pieces of my naivety.. pieces of my youth.. of my dreams

So many keys were given to me, but none never opened any lock...

There were just empty promises for hearts, that I never received

Puzzles that I could never solve...

There were just illusions that turned into disillusions..


I would trade all these memories just for one love that hadn't given up of me

That would have stayed even when the euphoria of passion was gone

That would have stayed fighting beside me the battles of this life, that has so much of beauty as unfair

That would have stayed even when we met each other's monsters

That would had realized that love can never be perfect, cause, we, humans aren't

The Bubble

All my life I fought to get out of my bubble

I was a child, that became taller and gained some more freedom

Eager to discover, to feel, to learn 

to interact, to experience

So, I started to brake the walls built by my shyness.. and I slowly started to get out...

Many times the world made me cry..

But many others, laughed with me!

There were moments we fell in love..but there were no more than just brief moments of enchantment

I always felt that me and the others were living in different realities..

The communication was always so confusing .. I couldn't never understand what they were saying.. like there was some kind of code!

Out here, the meaning of the words weren't the same of my school's dictionary.. cause their actions rarely matched their words

And people were always expecting something from me..but nobody would tell me what.. I had to guess..it was like some sort of game.. that nobody gave me the instructions and I didn't know how to play..


I was just used to play the pretend with my dolls...

              

Today, I would have preferred to never left my bubble.. the world outside is too weird and ugly..

Waiting

Future poorly planned 
The path is cloudy and hopeful
Joys and sadness mutually destroying themselves
Frustrated attempts to achieve the unachievable
Insignificant suffocated disappointments

Weeping night that wet us
Rented confusion that attract us
We are preparing ourselves for the infernal monotony
Missed time of departure

We are always unwelcomed and severely censured
Just for wanting to be free and wander in the nights
desperately looking for fake madness
Screams from all directions approach us
But they don't affect us, maybe they never did
Because we can't understand them

Non-conformism

Hangs in the air, 

tears of whom had laughed

Memories are drowned, whole pasts

Just to live the current sadness

that just offers dirty exits

All of them

They condemn us to auto- destruct ourselves

If weak we are

If pessimists we be

And all of this for just trying to understand it

They want us ignorants

Silencing us with courage

SHIT! I CAN STILL SHOUT LOUD!

No title

I see  a burning heart
A soul that trapped in the meat prison, screams exhausted
The sadness caresses her
There's nothing I can do
I can only observe
It's not me, I am not there..

Naughty children

I lost the control of my thoughts long time ago
I simply let them wander around  in my grey matter
How they have fun! They are like naughty children..

The Visit

The past touched me softly and gave me goose bumps.

Suddenly as disgusted of my appearance, spitted on my face and left.

- No, I never denied you. Why do you treat me like this?

The Victory of the Witches

The time of the bad witches arrived
Others were defeated before
I observe their weird rituals from my cage
They scare me as a prey
But their joy consoles me
How they value my defeat
And the celebration continues through the night
Tomorrow is another day
Another battle to win or lose
I await anxious and uncertain 

Our own reality

When the mind creates its own reality,

that being that everybody judges ignorant is happy!

Among thousands of pessimists conformed with the monotony of their lives

01/08/96

Another Attempt

I am going to lay down again in that bed of thorns
Still bloodied from the last time
But this time I am not wearing hopes or illusions
Just my naked body
I hear saying: you look for pain

internal Suicide

I can no longer react
The despair turned into a rope that wraps my neck
My loyal sadness built a chair that, now, holds the weight of my body
The pessimism gained strength and suddenly pushed the chair!
Refusing to give me the chance to resort to my last sane thought  
I didn't had time for my last breath

I see..

I see,
I see hypocrite beings judging something,
I see,
I see disgrace in form of depression,
I see,
I see revolt in all the non-conformed eyes,
I see,
I see sadness manipulating insane minds,
I see,
I see morbid thoughts with desire to die,
I see,
I see courage, damned courage,
I see,
I see death..
.. bloody death, poorly planned death, 
deaths, deaths, deaths..
I can't see, I can no longer see
nothing tells me nothing, anymore.. 

09/05/96

Unfair Fights

Inadvertently, I seek for my destruction at each psychological fight,

A fight against the logical is a fight against myself

Annie

Annie isn't is Annie

Annie has strange feelings

Annie isn't the little Annie

Annie has strange thoughts

Annie isn't is Annie

Annie makes strange things

Annie is confused

Annie is confusion

Annie isn't is Annie 

Annie just wants to be happy

She tries but ..

Come on Annie! Go on..please?!

Annie is a strange girl with strange feelings

Annie isn't is Annie anymore

Annie is the emptiness of each one of us..

This is Annie

The Being

A being that raised himself alone, in a place where nothing more existed than objects;

He didn't know what love or hate was,

cause he never interact with others that could made him feel those kind of feelings;

Someone that didn't know what lowliness was, cause he never had company;

Someone that couldn't tell wrong from right, good from evil, cause nobody never taught him rules and morals;

He just knew what was felling cold, warmth, hunger, thirst, pain and sleepiness;

Until death knocked at his door.. 

In his naive ignorance, he opened,

In that day, he knew what dying was…

Someone

It is not me who writes but someone that suffered several tumbles and remains the same;

Someone that dreams to fly and lives down the ground;

Someone that chases its thoughts, tearing apart the logic, and in this insane struggle, gets lost in the illogical;

Someone that wishes to live instead of just existing, but dies a bit every day;

Someone that is chained to the past and hasn't courage enough to wake up;

Someone that breathes the dust from the ground and wears somebodies' cloths;

If one day, that someone is capable of controlling its torturous thoughts and brake the last barrier...

..I will give a name to that someone

The Beast

I'm in the arena, fighting the beast of the covered face

Nothing seems to affect it, it seems immune

all my punches just to me inflict pain 

and drag with them miserable feelings

It doesn't react, cause I am the one spanking myself

while I am trying to attack it

I stepped on my pride and surrendered 

Then, the creature took of its hideous mask

It was life!

I tried to kill our mother!

In that moment, I died…

F...

I sense that a strange is going to born

Someone that in a happy past was like my shadow 

Your words are losing meaning as time goes.. what remains are just the memories of our friendship

You became a stone.. my words reach you but they cannot say nothing..

I should had act differently... please don't die for me!

I was so brusque.. I, myself helped society to kill you 

Now, isolated from everything and everybody.. I cry my precious loss

I can just only ignore your absence .. like you are doing

I finally understood .. 

I  don't want to touch more in this wound.. it hurts me bad

25-11-96